Raising Teenagers, Health, and Core Beliefs

I’ve shared in the past that because I’m a chiropractor and teach and lead people to living healthy lives that somehow I’d escape the physiologic absolute of ageing. Turns out, I was wrong.

In a similar vein, I have always heard people say “just wait until they’re teenagers” about raising kids - even my wonderful, angelic ones. Some of you may dispute the fact that my kids are the best on the planet (probably due to some irrational built in bias about your kids being the best that you have but I obviously don’t). For some reason, I figured that since my kids were so amazing when they were younger, we were going to be the first family EVER to just bypass the “difficult/stubborn/moody teenage years” and jump straight into “responsible adulthood”. Turns out I was wrong about that too.

Now I want to take a minute to make one thing clear - even though I’m referring to my kids as occasionally difficult, stubborn and moody doesn’t mean I don’t think that they are still the absolute greatest difficult, stubborn and moody kids in the world. I marvel every day at many of their positive attributes and achievements and I am legitimately proud to say that I am their father. But they are still a handful, as are all the other young adults finding their way in the world. As much as I recall being near-perfect as a teenager (again, no bias there at all), I still presented a few challenges to my parents. 

The reality is that it’s absolutely necessary for teenagers to develop a worldview of their own. This involves taking risks, pushing boundaries and making mistakes. I’ve read that the decision making mechanisms of our brains aren’t fully formed until we’re at least 25. When looked at that way, it’s hard to be too upset with a teenager making a bad choice when they are neurophysiologically incapable of making the right one.

I have zero doubt that my kids will turn out wonderfully. All of them are wired to be amazing people, even if they are missing a few life skills that they are going to have to figure out on their own through making mistakes and learning from them (regardless of how many times I’ve tried to just tell them what to do, they still have to go through the pain of consequences to internalise and ingrain what I’m saying). It’s been difficult to watch my son, whom we never ONCE fed fast food, become a McDonald’s addict after getting a job there (as an example). The consequences of being a fast food junkie has meant that he doesn't feel great sometimes, and is usually out of money. I can tell him not to eat that shit until I’m blue in the face, but he’s going to keep doing it until the pain and consequences catch up to him. That is how these things work.

Ok, time to get to the point of all this and how it relates to you and your health. I’ve tried my best to parent through more of a hands off/guided discovery method than by ruling over my kids with a set of rules and punishing them if they break them. Yes, I’ve had to punish my kids. But I have also tried to lead by example and model the types of core beliefs and resulting behaviours that I feel will benefit them throughout their life. 

One of the major reasons I am so “strict” with my diet and exercise is that I want my kids to just look at my lifestyle and think that it’s the normal way to live. I want to look and be healthy so that they think that looking and being healthy is normal. I want my daughters to look at me and think “that’s what a man and a husband is supposed to look like”. I want my son to look at me and think the same. 

With that said, the reality is that I’m not going to be around forever to model behaviour for my kids. Some day, I’ll take the “big dirt nap”. I often say “If I get hit by a bus tomorrow…” meaning that there is a time limit on me being around to dispense wisdom, and I have no idea when my time will be up (for the record, if I’m not going to live to be 110 and pass peacefully in my sleep, my preference is to be mauled to death by a grizzly bear - long story, probably best save for another blog).

Today I wrote down what the core principles I have tried to instil in my kids through my behaviour are. I wrote them on the whiteboard in my basement gym, and realized how many of them can be developed through the act of living a healthy lifestyle in itself. Many of the same traits that are needed to get healthy and stay healthy (willpower, self discipline, the ability/willingness to suffer, good work ethic, etc) are also responsible for success in relationships and the workplace. In fact, if I had to guess as to why we find fit people attractive (when looked at through the lens of evolutionary psychology) it’s because they are a physical manifestation of those properties. 

Now it’s time to talk a bit about you and your kids. Forgive me if I step on your toes a bit… but the reality is that your kids are going to model your behaviour too. Which implies that if you live an unhealthy lifestyle, your kids will think that’s a normal way to live. Now, I’m all for personal choice and personal rights and freedoms. Meaning, if someone wants to eat shit, drink a six pack every night sitting on the couch watching football, and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day… I’m all for that. The problem lies in the fact that they’re teaching their kids to do the same. One of the most tragic things I’ve seen is when I was living in rural Georgia and I saw a kid come out of the grocery store carrying a one litre bottle of Sprite. I bet he was 5 years old and 100lbs. His mom walked out right behind him, also carrying a giant bottle of pop. She had to be close to 400lbs. In that moment I felt TERRIBLE for that kid - he’ll never have a chance to be healthy in life, and it’s not his fault.

The point here is that you might not have it in you to make healthy changes for the benefit of yourself. However, have you considered making them for the benefit of your kids? There really is no downside. For one, your kids will learn what healthy behaviour looks like. In addition, by adopting a healthy lifestyle, you’ll be around longer to live with your kids. Unless you get hit by a bus (or mauled by a grizzly).