Memento Mori

I guess in a way I can piggyback on last week’s post about regrets to talk about fears. You see, one of my biggest fears (in addition to spiders) is that someday, when I’m on my deathbed, I’ll look back on my life and have regrets - specifically that there are things that I wanted to do or experience but didn’t in the moment for whatever reason. In fact, the only recurring nightmare that I have is probably tied to this somehow… I’m in high school and for whatever reason, I never go to math class. At first it’s because I don’t want to, but after a while I want to go but don’t feel like I can because I’ve missed so many. Eventually, I’ve missed too many and have to drop the class… only to realize that I needed that credit to graduate. The regret I feel in that dream for not going to class when I had the chance is real and visceral.

In a lot of ways, that dream is a metaphor for life - math class is something I know I ought to do (but avoid), my time in high school is my life, and graduation is the inevitability of death. I know some people don’t like the idea of confronting their own mortality, but I think that is immature and foolish. We are all going to die. Embracing that fact can lead to making better decisions every day.

I used to think that people dying early was the biggest tragedy. Don’t get me wrong, untimely death is a horrible thing. But the reality is that when someone passes away before their time, they are grieved and then life goes on. Look at Kobe Bryant… his death was all that everyone was talking about for two weeks, and now it’s something else. In five years, we may get a mention of him on the anniversary of his passing, but that’s about it. Remember, he’s famous and you’re not. Outside of the small group (relatively speaking) that know you personally, who is going to remember you when you die?

To me, the real tragedy isn’t a life cut short, but rather one that’s not lived to its potential. We get one run at this. If things go right, we get 85 years… that is about 29,000 days. That’s it. Once one day has passed, you’ll never get it back. It’s gone forever. That fact is the number one reason I take such good care of myself. I want to squeeze every one of those days out of my life and be able to do whatever I want to do, right up until the day I die. Whether it’s jiu jitsu, fishing, hunting, gardening, playing with my grandkids, or just getting up off the toilet on my own after I take a shit. 

Reminding myself of my mortality also drives me to experience the things I want to and avoid putting them off. We can all find excuses to work more, make more money, buy more/newer stuff, achieve higher social status. I fell into that trap in my 30’s. I’d work so much that I wouldn’t see my kids from Sunday night when I tucked them into bed until I got home from work on Wednesday. There was a whole season of my son’s hockey when he was five years old that I have no recollection of because I was constantly working. Thinking ahead, I realized nobody that spent as much time as they could with their kids when they were young ever said on their deathbed “I wish I would have spent more time at work”, but the opposite is true. As I cut back at work, my income shrank and money got tighter but it was worth it to be able to be around my kids more. I wouldn’t trade that for any amount of cash. It was priceless.

To me, there are two takeaways from this. First of all, get your priorities right. Imagine you only have a year left to live.. What would you do? What is on your bucket list that you haven’t experienced that you’ve always wanted to? How would you spend your time? Worrying? Working? Chasing newer “stuff”? Or would you spend it with loved ones laughing, crying, and just being? Whatever it is, do it now.

Second, look after yourself. Yes, you may die tomorrow - but probably not. In fact, chances are that you will live into your 70’s or 80’s - but what kind of life will it be? You don’t get to pick the day that you lie down for the big dirt nap.. It could be a long time from now. If your health deteriorates to the point where you physically can’t do the things you want (or worse, your cognition goes), that’s the real tragedy. Imagine wasting away for the last 10, 15, 25 years of your life in shit health - unable to do the things you always wanted to do. Invest in your health now, because I can promise that you’ll regret it if you don’t.